..TARA, IS IT TRUE, REALLY TRUE, THAT UNDER ALL THAT LEATHER AND CHAINS YOU ARE ONLY A PUSSY CAT?...MEOW...NO MATTER, YOUR NICE TO LOOK IT ...ORCA, YOU ARE BECOMING LIKE OUR DEAR SISTER SHAMU. I MEAN, FALLING DOWN A STAIR CASE AND LANDING IN THE BUSHES!

...WHAT BARTENDER IS GETTING SUED FOR PUNCHING A CUSTOMER? ...DIRECT FROM HOUSTON, TEXAS...ON MS. MILLER FROM RON, I QUOTE: "THE ONLY THING NEAR PHYSICAL SHES EVER DONE IS, "JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. ...LOU S., I JUST LOVE YOUR GENERAL GRANT. HOW ABOUT AUDITIONING FOR MY NEW SHOW?

...HEY, YOU GORGEOUS STUD FROM THE MR.620 CONTEST, THERE WAS NO NEED FOR THE ROUGE OR THE TINTED LIP GLOSS. BESIDES, NO ONE WAS LOOKING AT YOUR FACE!

...PAUL N., YOU SET DRAG BACK ABOUT FORTY YEARS. HOWEVER, YOU COULD PLAY STAND-IN FOR LAUREN BACAL.

...DWIGHT, THE BEARD LOOKS GREAT, YOU LOOK SEXIER THAN EVER. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE REST...FROM A SECRET ADMIRER.

...TOM T. FROM PAINE SVILLE, WHO WAS THAT MAN YOU LEFT WITH IN SUCH A HURRY? OH TOM, YOU SHOULD REALLY WAIT TO GET HOME BEFORE YOU START TO GARRY ON. HORSE PUCKY, TOM COULDN' EVEN WAIT UNTIL HE GOT TO THE CAR! .ROGER, ONE DOESN'T THROW! BOWLING BALLS AT YOUR TEAM MEMBERS. SUPPOSED TO AIM FOR THE PINS, REMEMBER, THEY ARE AT THE OTHER END OF THE ALLEY!

YOUR

...TONY AND R.C., ITS NICE TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO MOVE TO

CHICAGO. AND I HAVE TO SAY THAT MISSY AND HUSBAND OR IS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND? SPEAK FOR ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS...GUESS WHO? ...A CALLER FROM MY HOT LINE SAID THAT JOAN RIVERS SAID: "SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY PRINCE CHARLES GOT MARRIED BECAUSE HES GAY AND HE IS WAITING FOR HIS MOTHER TO DIE SO THAT HE CAN BECOME, "QUEEN." ...THE GORDON ROSS SHOW, WHICH WAS AT EXCEDRA THE OTHER NIGHT WAS NOT GOOD. SHE TRIED TO EMULATE SEVERAL DIFFERENT CELEBRITIES, BUT DEAR, ALL IN ONE VOICE! AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THE THREE BACK-UP GUY THAT WAS ADVERTISED? ONLY ONE APPEARED, GENE NELSON AND HE WAS GREAT. AS A MATTER OF ACT HE WAS BETTER THAN THE STAR. (I WON'T GO INTO THE COSTUMES, I'M EMBARRASED). ...MUCH TO EVERYONE CHAGRIN, MELISSA ROSS WON HER COURT CASE AGAINST THE NOCI. BON VOYAGE MY DEAR, BON VOYAGE.

.FROM ONE OF SHAMUS ADMIRES, "SHE LOOKED GREAT IN BLACK, SHE SHOULD STICK TO IT!" SHAMU IS SUCH A RISING CELEBRITY AND IT IS VERY DIFFICULT NOT TO PRINT HER PRECARIOUS LIFE STYLES. HOWEVER, I HEAR THAT BIG D AND SHAMU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIRE D' AMOUR! THEY WERE SEEN TOTTERING INTO THE TUBS THE OTHER EVENING. I DON'T KNOW WHO WAS CARRYING WHO OR WHO PASSED OUT ON THE TOILET! SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ONE IS IN THE PUBLIC EYE. ...KEVINS ON THE WAGON! (I'M GETTING DIZZY JUST LISTENING ABOUT IT).

Z-TRASH MAGAZINE PARTY

Z-TRASH MAGAZINE PREVIEW ISSUE PARTY WAS GIVEN AT THE VAULTS, LOWER LEVEL, THURSDAY, JANUARY 28th, ADMIST AN ATMOSPHERE OF BALLOONS AND CREPE PAPER STREAMERS WHICH CAUSED ONE OF THEIR REGULAR PATRONS TO RUN OUT SCREAMING, "THOSE SILLY QUEENS MADE MY LEATHER BAR LOOK LIKE A LADIES TEA ROOM."

IT STILL LOOKED LIKE A BASEMENT TO ME. IF CONCRETE WALLS AND FLOORS MAKE

A LEATHER BAR, DOES THAT MEAN OUR MOTHER'S HOMES HAVE THE POTENTIAL FOR OPENING GAY BARS IN THERE BASEMENTS?

EARLY ARRIVALS ATARTED OUT WITH A BIG BANG. FIFTEEN PEOPLE STANDING AROUND WITH NOTHING TO DRINK, NO MUSIC AND ALL SAYING, "HOW ARE YOU?" FINE, "HOW ARE YOU?" FINE, "HOW ARE YOU?" YOU OBVIOUSLY GET THE GIST OF HOW WELL THIS PARTY WAS DOING.

THE CANAPE'S AND COCKTAILS HAD YET TO ARRIVE. JUST WHEN I WAS ABOUT FINISHED COUNTING THE LINT BALLS ON MY SWEATER TOTIE ARRIVED TO MAKE THE PUNCH, WHICH THE VAULTS PROMISED WOULD BE THE HEIGHT OF THE EVENING. I SUDDENLY HEARD A VOICE SCREAM OUT, "THE FOOD IS HERE." I FOUGHT MY WAY. THROUGH A BARRAGE OF FLAPPING ARMS TO DISCOVER A SILVER TRAY WITH WHAT LOOKED LIKE LITTLE ROUND MATCH BOOK COVERS TOPPED WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND SHREDDED COCONUT. THESE STRANGE LITTLE GRAY AND BROWN THINGS WERE QUICKLY SNATCHED UP BUT ONCE REACHING THE PALATE WERE DISCRETLY DEPOSITED FROM PURSED LIPS INTO COCKTAIL NAPKINS. AND YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW WHAT COCKTAIL NAPKINS WERE FOR!

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, PUNCH WAS BEING PREPARED BY TOTIE, WHILE GUESTS HUNG OVER HIS SHOULDER WITH GLASSES POISED WAITING TO TASTE THIS MAGIC POTION. THIS PUNCH, WHICH I LOOKED AT QUIZZICALLY BECAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE WATERED ORANGE JUICE. IT TURNED OUT TO BE THE MOST UNWATERED DRINK I HAD HAD IN YEARS.

ONE WOMAN SUSPICIOUSLY ASKED, "IS THERE HIGH SPIRITS IN THIS PUNCH?" LATER IN THE EVENING THIS SAME WOMAN PROPPED AGAINST A WALL WITH HER SHOES ON SIDE WAYS, NO EASY TASK, ASKED, "ISH DER AMY COPPEE!" IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE TWO GALLONS OF V----AND SIX BOTTLES OF W-IN THE PUNCH THAT GOT HER. BY NOW THE PARTY WAS STARTING TO LOOK LIKE A PARTY, LIGHTS WERE LOWERED, DRINKS WERE SERVED AND THE HORS D'OEUVRES BY PERCY OF PARMA WERE ALSO BEING SERVED. IN THE BACKGROUND, APPROPRIATE SOUNDS OF INSTRUMENTS, SOMETHING I BELEIVE ONE CALLS MUSIC, WAS PLAYING.

REPRESENTATIVES FROM MOST OF THE GAY COMMUNITY WERE IN ATTENDANCE. THEY CAME FROM KEYS, DEANS LOUNGE, 620 CLUB, MANS WORLD, HIDE PARK LEATHER, ANOTHER PLACE, THE GOLD COAST, THE CLUB BATHS, EXCEDRA, GODMOTHERS II AND MANY MORE THAT I PROBABLY MISSED. MANY GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE WERE MINGLING ABOUT.

THE BAR WAS OPEN AND THE MOOD WAS FESTIVE. Z-TRASH MAGAZINES WERE PASSED OUT AND I CAN STILL HEAR THE PRAISE, "THE NERVE!" "WHAT GARBAGE!" "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS RAG!" AND A VOICE SOUNDING VAGUELY LIKE SHAMU'S COULD BE HEARD ALL THE WAY FROM THE 620 CLUB, "Z-TRASH IS Z-PITTS!"

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD PARTY. EVERYBODY WAS RIPPED. A LOT OF PHONE NUMBERS WERE EXCHANGED. ISN'T THAT WHAT MAKES A GOOD PARTY? AS I LEFT, THE COUPLE IN FRONT OF ME WERE RAVING ABOUT THE WONDERFUL PEANUT AND COCONUT CANAPE'S AND BEHIND ME I HEARD A YOUNG WOMAN SAY, "I HAD A GREAT TIME AND REALLY LOVED THE PUNCH BUT FOR SOME REASON MY FEET REALLY HURT." THANKS TO MARY, BIG D, TOTIE AND RICK OF THE VAULTS. PERCY OF PARMA FOR THE STRANGE CANAPE'S. MESSINA FLORIST FOR THERE UNIQUE DISPLAY OF FLOWERS AND TO ALL OF THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO READ US!

THE VAULTS, LOWER LEVEL IS AVAILABLE FOR PRIVATE PARTIES EVERDAY EXCEPT SUNDAYS OR SPECIAL EVENTS AND AT REASONABLE RATES.

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Pictures on page 10

Zand Twiggy

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